aloha

4 more sleeps and ill be lazing back on a tropical island, drinking something with lime out of a coconut and copulating every hour. if i could bring my barbecue with me, i'd never leave.

since it feels lame to do so, i haven't packed a thing and wont till the last minute in the event that it gets back to someone that i cant keep my cool. i have however purchased $500 worth of island shorts and shirts made of 100% cotton so i look like a casually dressed island fellow....whose blindingly white in shirts that still have the store tag on

a quick check of google maps between paragraphs has enlightened me to the fact that our accomodation is a costal town and that whilst visiting islands will occur, i may have gone overboard in my purchases and researching how to crack a coconut

travel thoughts thus far:

• is back fat back in fashion or should i pack a tee? is wetsuit material flattering?
• will work call because im important? as cool as my iphone is, the 5 minute battery life could be an issue. pack charger. no, i cant leave it. what if? exactly.
• should i get someone to log my wow account and do dailies? i'll have a heap of rested xp when i come back for the expansion. kickass.
  
• heroes isnt on next week so i wont miss out. thank god, that would have bugged me all trip.
• if i dont shave and get a kickass tan, i could look like this guy:

/fin

engrish

god bless foreigners with a limited knowledge of the english language who are happy to give it a go. 30 something devout buddist lady came out with these gems today:

"I got a happy ending" after walking out of a meeting room with me where she thought she was in trouble

"I will swallow you" when organizing how she will get to the pub after work. follow perhaps?

these are stored away with the memory of her stating "you finally got someone in your team pregnant" in earshot of human resources. "someone in your team finally got pregnant" would have been far more accurate, but a good try nonetheless

and in other news today, the world financial crisis gets worse:

outraged. prepare for my first ever "when i was a kid" story. this is the bill for having my lawn mowed.

when i was kid 20 years ago this was a $2 job regardless of lawn size (and most lawns at the time were bigger then modern houses). here is my lawn, that bush is about waist height if that gives you a sense of scale.

this represents an increase of 2787.5% which is definitely not inline with inflation. im calling on the government to regulate these money hungry bastards. if they don't, i'll raise an army of younglings to put them out of business

in environmental news:

why the hell did i get a phone book delivered? does anyone use them anymore other then these guys?

heavily medicated

i am dying.

summer flu (or spring in this case) is the worst. it's nature's way of saying "remember how smug you were in winter when you didn't get the flu?"

after spending the last couple of days housebound and sounding like a crack-whore i went into the office determined to will myself better. soon after arriving i decided that coughing and passing out was an ineffective use of company time and went home for some manly recuperation time (RATs hot-chocolate with marshmallows with a side order of soap opera and Entertainment Tonight)

some pseudo-ephedrine induced moments on the way home:

realized that my breathing and walking changes significantly when i go past the blind guy who asks for donations. i firmly believe that he can recognize me with his other heightened senses and will ask me directly if he senses my presence. i would feel compelled to give money, so instead i have developed skills that would make a ninja jealous. yep, going to hell

coming up to a pedestrian crossing i noticed a policewoman stopping traffic as the lights were out. this immediately made me nervous as im conscious that i never use the lights and that i would be someone's bitch if i ever went to jail. when i arrived and was the only person who wanted to cross, she casually said "cross whenever you want". entrapment. thanks to my finely honed frogger skills i made it across and when i looked back to see if her weapon was drawn, all i could see was her asking a man my age to wait while she stopped traffic. the police force is against me.

this could be the energy drink combining with the pills causing me to see stuff, but as i type RAT's cockatiel is masturbating while mine watches from afar, clearly unimpressed. it's the first time i've seen him do this since last breeding season when he discovered it (and like most good men he proceeded to do it as much as physically possible). i feel uncomfortable and slightly dirty for watching

/fin

corporate folk

in large companies you'll always have at least the following 3 people on your payroll. this could be wacky coincidence, but im starting to think that governing bodies require companies hire a specific percentage as part of equal opportunity

knee jerk

responsible for decisions that are as quick (and dangerous) as lightning, knee jerk is typically a middle manager who appears to have miraculously defied the laws of natural selection. kj believes in exercising his keen instinct rather then asking informed questions and prefers wide-scale decrees based on the lowest common denominator. There may be a .000032% chance that your peer could bring a weapon to work, but thanks to daily cavity searches and quick thinking by kj, you're safe.

the bullet dodger

the bullet dodger is renown throughout the land for their inability to be fired, despite averaging 3 days at work last year and being involved in a scandal that rivaled watergate. to peers and subordinates, bd is as trustworthy as a Nigerian banking email but thanks to over-zealous workplace laws escapes prosecution time and time again.

deathbed

able to diagnose any illness by recalling when they had it last, deathbed will experience more cases of flu this year then a major hospital and will cite a good day's rest as the reason why they are out drinking that night. deathbed is kind enough to provide a courtesy cough when calling up sick and when returning to work for the first 20 minutes or so. thanks to quality medical professionals who worry about loosing an easy patient, deathbed will always have a valid medical certificate and may go as far as having a supply of flu tablets clearly visible on their desk for extra authenticity.

theres a lot more then this im sure, but white chocolate rocky road calleth.

/fin

3 things i dont get

"i love ale" is carved into my bus shelter. who would write this? do pirates catch public transport now?

since when is it's ok to wear crocs in public? i heard they are supposed to be uber-comfortable, but so are my oversized tracksuit pants that I bum around the house in. IN THE HOUSE, NOT OUTSIDE.

stretch piercings. most piercings don't bug me provided they are not on the naughty bits, but if these things go out of fashion, what the hell will you do with the holes? rent your body out as a miniature golf course?

/fin

life's important questions

let me start off by stating that i don't intend to be ignorant or uncaring. these questions come from a place of genuine wonder and awe for the world around me.

if someone has a lazy eye, which eye do you look at? in a training session today one of the attendees seated opposite had a lazy left eye that was constantly pointed in my direction, regardless of any head movement. it was like a one eyed mona-lisa staring me down which begged the question - should i act as if she is watching me even when the good eye is pointing away? is she actively focusing on me or is it akin to peripheral vision?

so i turn to ask jeeves, only to find out he's going by the name of ask these days (someone got a little full of himself)

question: should i act like the lazy eye can see me?
result: the lazy eye syndrome. anyone know how to cure it?

we'd all like a cure jeeves, but that doesnt help me here and now. dont answer a question with a question, this is not ask confucius

if i accidentally hit myself in the cobblers at work and other people are in the room, is it ok to acknowledge the severe pain im going through if there are females present? sure its fine when other men are in the room, but is it appropriate to share when the fairer sex is wondering why I look like im about to pass out and refusing to talk?

question: is it ok to tell women i hit myself in the nuts?
result: is it ok to occasionally hit your girlfriend?

again not kosher to answer a question with a question, but more disturbing is that jeeves thinks its ok to take your pain out on loved ones. not cool jeeves, not cool

/fin

get onboard

im all for the planet, its a tops place (and as my t-shirt says, its where i keep all my stuff) but im not satisfied that the government is doing enough to make it a little bit easier for those of us that like to wash our hair and don't own any tie-dyed clothing. i feel somewhat justified in not voting now.

public transport is a great idea but we need some laws passed to ensure a civil time is had by all. listen up hippies:

• passengers may not smell like b/o unless its after 5pm. passengers found to be smelling like a bum just peed in their armpits early morning on a monday will not be permitted travel. after 5pm, b/o is permitted however for the comfort of other passengers please keep your arms at your sides at all times.
• all mobile phones are to be switched off at all times. passengers are reminded that talking loudly on your phone makes you look like a wanker and is as socially acceptable as a fart in church
• passengers on the isle are required to acknowledge a window seat passenger's civil right to freedom and allow them to exit the vehicle upon request.
• passengers found to be using a $100 note for a $2.50 fare will be subject to on the spot fines totaling $97.50. Debating the "im not a bank" rule will result in summary execution
• failure to count and prepare the 300 small coins required for the fare prior to boarding will result in a transit officer using the change in question to fill a sock which will be used to bludgeon the offender repeatedly

/fin

friday on my mind

every time the man-wife goes away i loose the outlet for my sadistic tendencies and as a result, others tend to suffer in his place. it's now been 1 week and i'm happy to say, i've only caused one person to temporarily loose their self confidence and question their role-fit. my peers have recognized my efforts in keeping this to a minimum and I was rewarded with a sausage & egg mcmuffin. nice pays off.

which reminds me, i haven't mention the ideas club.

the absence of estrogen often results in men failing to observe significant relationship milestones and from "proactively" thinking of things to do on the weekend that demonstrate their desire to be with their significant other. whilst the former can be addressed thanks to calendar reminders and setting passwords to key dates, the latter is often neglected. last week while sowing seeds of doubt into man-wife's relationship with his GF, i came up with the idea that men in the office could pool our ideas together and make a subscription based website which emails out 1 random idea every week, complete with a list of instructions on how to make a weekend with the missus a hit. site rules would require every member to submit at least 1 idea that they've either had (or stolen) and used with success (this is measured by continuation of relationship and associated benefits). this is so going to my good ideas file.

back to this week, work have realized that I have managed to go the better part of the year with minimal additional training. since maintaining the illusion of support is very important, i was assigned a course which i should have done 3 years ago. the course included a diverse mix of people including:

• guy who described his major concern at present was the loss of a 90 million dollar deal last week (yes that does sting a little, i asked how exactly that felt) and discussed a deal he closed worth $52 million like you or I would talk about the weather
• girl who cited not having a headset to make calls as her major concern and talked (for a good 30 minutes) as if she were a walkman with low batteries.

a great networking opportunity.

classroom training reminds me of school. as such, i revert to rebellious teen who doesn't like to participate in group activities that are designed to demonstrate simple concepts and tend to giggle at everything that can be remotely linked to something sexual. this process is not made easier by the female version of me sitting adjacent whispering "scrotum" at random times throughout the day. training material that included conversation such as "it's going to be hard" and "i think you'll enjoy it more if it rigid" were the source of much amusement. at one point mid-lecture when i was contemplating severing a major artery with the leftover spork from lunch, female me whispers "i need to pee really bad but we can't leave". i'm saved. i spent the next 30 minutes slowly pouring water from a bottle into a cup until she cracked and excused herself. the trainer, Heir Pashmina, expressed her disapproval with the classic over the glasses glare, interpreted "selecting one person at random" as "one of you two" for every exercise or question over the 3 days and is probably still typing a report card to send to my parents at this very moment.

i did however get the opportunity to pick the training that i'll attend next year. 2 out of 3 require an all expense paid trip somewhere and 3/3 are known to end days with a drinking session.

booyah.

/fin