fate and the man-wife

today started with a great idea and ended with a can of salmon to the head. fate is a cruel mistress with an odd sense of humor. i'm pretty certain it wasn't justice, she's blind and i'm very quiet

before i begin it's important that i explain the relationship i share with the manager who works opposite me. he will be henceforth referred to as my man-wife as we spend the large majority of our waking hours together. whilst there remains some speculation about who owns the wife and husband title, it's my blog so i say who's who. my position as man-husband is further strengthened by:

• the team recently organizing Father's Day lunch and a true gift of love, a Nerf set.
• the team planning a mother's day lunch for him. by them I mean that I'm leading the campaign and since he missed out of Father's Day its the next best choice
• his "happy to help, let me wipe that off with my hanky" approach vs my "learn to wipe your own ass, you're an adult now and I'll teach you to be one" style
  

like most of my relationships, the inner sadist kicks in and tells me that i should routinely poke the other person with a stick to test their limits. rational me (a wallflower compared to the other versions of me) will often highlight the potential drawbacks of such actions, ranging from a lifetime of loneliness to a being beaten to death with a toaster. despite these obvious disadvantages, i cannot for the life of me stop this behavior. previously, these moment's with my man-wife have been limited to snappy 1 liners at his expense, attacking his masculinity and the occasional thought provoking discussion designed to make him think his girlfriend should be cheating on him because he's a bad person. he is my Dwight Schrute and i am a sick version of Jim Halpert. due to increased boredom and lack of opportunities to channel my powers for good, i've recently upped the ante somewhat.

today's prank involved:

• thought provoking discussion several weeks ago about how he interacts with another manager
• a series of followup chats asking "how did that go?" every time they had spoke with each other
• him including that manager as in his out of office forward
• letting other manager in on the plan, using "its Friday and you're bored" as my key negotiation tactic
• sending and email to man-wife about this manager stating that he was right all along about her and that it was hard to believe
• oscar winning performance when i "realize" in front of man-wife that email has been forwarded
• oscar winning performance when other manager realizes "betrayal"
• bribing our manager with leftovers to pull man-wife into a room and "tear him a new one". an important step as prior abuse causes man-wife to believe that i'm manipulating things around him for my own sick entertainment. he knows me well
• directing a dependent to alert man-wife to the "fight" that was currently going on in one of the meeting rooms

i wish i planned my life this well.

we let him in on the joke after he had worked 2 hours overtime trying to repair the situation. as i laughed about it at him later, the can of salmon which he was casually tossing in the air rebounded off the roof, hitting me in the head with sufficient force to leave a lasting mark and killer headache. as i write this blog and my memory returns, it occurs to me that we have unusually high ceilings, that the last toss in the air was more of a hard throw and that man-wife did seem to step out of the way very early on in the throw.

it would appear that fate is innocent and that my next man-wife prank involves framing him for a crime that carries a prison sentence.

/fin