freaks & geeks

after last friday's visit to a popular restaurant with my staff it became very clear, years of talking to people over the phone has seriously retarded their social skills.

i arrive fashionably late to allow them to get work talk out of their system. i walk over to the table, one is texting and will continue to do so for the next 2 hours, one is staring in awe (possibly frightened by the lack of fluorescent lighting), one is regaling my padawan with tales of things they clearly haven't done in an attempt to dispel rumors of latent homosexuality. here we go.

work talk. awesome. buy round to show appreciation. nod. smile. fake laugh at work related humor. note that they cant help but treat me like the boss. is it possible they are dependent on a strict hierarchy to function? this is what i see before me
one grabs texter's wallet, sending coins flying everywhere in the restaurant. our 8 minutes without incident record was set. another arrives and expresses disappointment at having brought a drink on the way in rather then having me buy them one. this combined with previous incidents including "hey couldn't we celebrate their birthday when i get back from holidays so i can have cake?" and "if i'd known you were going to surprise and pay for us my partner and i would have stayed" causes me to publicly address her lack of tact and self centered behaviour in a playful manner. one down.

waiting on one more to arrive, latent has already ordered their meal and tactful isnt far behind. texter has sat at the end of the table away from everyone else and has divulged that he wanted to go to maccas instead as it was a good price. awe has not spoken and resembles a deer caught in headlights. late arrival walks in, time for the rest of the table to order while the other two eat their meals.

between mouthfuls latent has been talking about girlfriend #53. padawan and i begin to ask a series of questions about said girlfriend and ask to see a picture of her on his phone. nada, must have been deleted. mid-chew, tactful states loudly "we think she doesn't exist". latent proceeds to search through his iphone for a number, attempts to dial and says that he can't get through, else he would have put her on. i note to padawan that an iphone display switches off when you put it to your ear when its making a call, his stayed on. this is why im paid the big bucks.

before eating i test boss powers by declaring work talk punishable by death. conversation killer. wait the price of my steak is now the subject of discussion which naturally leads to questions about how much i get paid. inappropriate much? my internal monologue is interrupted with questions about where i live, including exact street name and number. pass. latent has narrowed it down to a small area that includes where i actually live. im scared now.

post meal, tactful has gone to look at the view, texter is cleaning his phone, awe is still in awe, latent is trying to get someone listen to his story and im conscious that people might want to go out for more drinks in yet another public place. i politely advise im going to head. cue everyone to leave as the lack of an alpha would cause widespread panic. i politely decline offers for a lift home and head in the opposite direction from where i need to go.

i need a career change.

/fin