hu hah

i've recently discovered the unit on tv. its like sex in the city for men but also appeals to the fairer sex

for him:

lots of HU HAHing
terrorist killing fun
the t-1000 is the base commander
president david palmer from 24 is the unit leader

for her

wives who cheat because their trained killer husbands are emotionally cut off. funny that.
the nancy boy from Felicity who kills by day and enjoys scrapbooking with his wife at night
a "you go girl" attitude in support of women who are having a rough time

if they could just get jack bower on the show, army recruiters would be out of a job.

HUH HA!

two tickets please

im about to go to the movies, so expect the following:

• i will insist on going much earlier then is necessary to get tickets before the queue starts. the ticket person will give me a confused look and think im there for the earlier session
• i will clutch onto my ticket and check it every 5 minutes as if it were a replacement heart for my dying child
• i will not get popcorn at the same time, it might go cold, so ill queue up 10 mins before the movie starts to ensure its that the popcorn which has been there all day is as fresh as it can be. yes, i am aware that you can also buy your ticket at this time
  
• i will buy a large something combo out of fear that I could starve to death during the 90 minute movie, however if there is a collector something thats half the size and double the price i'll get that instead
• i will play time crisis and show RAT that i do indeed have, mad skills
• i will via a series of loud sighs express distaste for those people who will inevitably come in late, put their ass in my face as they excuse their ignorance while stepping on my feet

/fin

iBus

it's b/o o'clock and I'm on a bus. i cant identify where that pee smell is coming from. gogo public transport

/fin

i am your god

i think i am a superhero, possibly even a small time diety. here's proof:

i'd smite you with:

electricity. i have spent the last 3 weeks providing static shocks to a variety of people and metallic objects. people have become wary of shaking hands with me. oddly enough i can't seem to shock the one girl paranoid about it, is she the chosen one? i also know when a tv is on mute in the room, even if i cant see it - this may be related. also new pants, wooly socks and my sloppy footwork when walking may be related.

i know your secrets:

i dreamt last week that i met the mother of a colleague who i barely interact with. during this meeting she revealed she had ovarian cancer. although i was concerned that i might have to electrocute my colleague if she thought i was crazy, the next day she confirmed her mother has cancer, specifically ovarian and that they had found out last year. take that non-believers

i sense your pain:

one afternoon i overheard on the radio that a girl had been hit by a car, declared dead and then revived. I instantly knew who it was. granted i lived in a state with only half a million people, but those odds are still pretty awesome

i cannot be killed:

i once survived a near death experience. a falling tree snapped high tensile wire, causing it to whip past my neck so close it near burned my skin. this should have decapitated me, however the wire coiled just before hitting me. my uncle who was responsible for chopping down the tree in the first place must have prayed a little that night.

i'm prophetic

i've always had the sneaking suspiscion that im going to die of some brain related issue in my mid-30s, possibly a tumor. i'll be saying "i told you so" after i've ascended to a higher plane of existence

/fin

freaks & geeks

after last friday's visit to a popular restaurant with my staff it became very clear, years of talking to people over the phone has seriously retarded their social skills.

i arrive fashionably late to allow them to get work talk out of their system. i walk over to the table, one is texting and will continue to do so for the next 2 hours, one is staring in awe (possibly frightened by the lack of fluorescent lighting), one is regaling my padawan with tales of things they clearly haven't done in an attempt to dispel rumors of latent homosexuality. here we go.

work talk. awesome. buy round to show appreciation. nod. smile. fake laugh at work related humor. note that they cant help but treat me like the boss. is it possible they are dependent on a strict hierarchy to function? this is what i see before me
one grabs texter's wallet, sending coins flying everywhere in the restaurant. our 8 minutes without incident record was set. another arrives and expresses disappointment at having brought a drink on the way in rather then having me buy them one. this combined with previous incidents including "hey couldn't we celebrate their birthday when i get back from holidays so i can have cake?" and "if i'd known you were going to surprise and pay for us my partner and i would have stayed" causes me to publicly address her lack of tact and self centered behaviour in a playful manner. one down.

waiting on one more to arrive, latent has already ordered their meal and tactful isnt far behind. texter has sat at the end of the table away from everyone else and has divulged that he wanted to go to maccas instead as it was a good price. awe has not spoken and resembles a deer caught in headlights. late arrival walks in, time for the rest of the table to order while the other two eat their meals.

between mouthfuls latent has been talking about girlfriend #53. padawan and i begin to ask a series of questions about said girlfriend and ask to see a picture of her on his phone. nada, must have been deleted. mid-chew, tactful states loudly "we think she doesn't exist". latent proceeds to search through his iphone for a number, attempts to dial and says that he can't get through, else he would have put her on. i note to padawan that an iphone display switches off when you put it to your ear when its making a call, his stayed on. this is why im paid the big bucks.

before eating i test boss powers by declaring work talk punishable by death. conversation killer. wait the price of my steak is now the subject of discussion which naturally leads to questions about how much i get paid. inappropriate much? my internal monologue is interrupted with questions about where i live, including exact street name and number. pass. latent has narrowed it down to a small area that includes where i actually live. im scared now.

post meal, tactful has gone to look at the view, texter is cleaning his phone, awe is still in awe, latent is trying to get someone listen to his story and im conscious that people might want to go out for more drinks in yet another public place. i politely advise im going to head. cue everyone to leave as the lack of an alpha would cause widespread panic. i politely decline offers for a lift home and head in the opposite direction from where i need to go.

i need a career change.

/fin

the tropics

its now been 5 long miserable days since returning to the real world. there are no dive in bars, alcohol with breakfast is frowned upon and there's a definite lack of backpackers willing to serve cheap mexican food. Overview:

there were no coconuts drinks. hollywood lies yet again

our accommodation was run by eric estrada who provided a full range of services, including picking up RAT's forgotten underwear and placing them in her bag.

the local pub reserves a large section of seats for a biker gang every sunday who may or may not turn up. i was inspired to stand up for the locals and win back seating rights through a 60's inspired surf-off, but i was on holidays after all.

my eyes appeared to have developed an odd immunity to the stinging power of seawater, possibly because im extremely blind. whilst this super-power could prove very handy (especially in the surf-off) i apparently freak out now when im swimming offshore, panic attack style and find myself confined to boats or within a short distance to the shallows. its great discovering new things about myself

responsibility #1: lead RAT (blinded by the after sun I put on) off the balcony through to the bathroom to wash her eyes. forgot what i was doing and about 5 steps in lead her into a table. this does not bode well for her trust in me

responsibility #2: ensure even coverage of sunscreen on RATs back. unrelated incident, at the end of day 1 she had an odd patch of non-sun burnt skin that looked like a hand print...

in a party town filled with 20 somethings, maccas was staffed with geriatrics rather then the standard voice-breaking pimple brigade

sat next to a blind guy at the dock. even though he needed a stick to hit us with to know we were there, he was going on the sunset cruise. this intrigued me.

had my fortune read by a tarot chick. oddly enough when i arrived she had gone home for the day and obviously couldn't read her own future very well.

my constant impression of Mr Roarke's "welcome to fantasy island" every 5 minutes whilst accurate, may have gotten annoying.

im not going to write more, less it become the blog version of watching someone else's slides.

/fin

super mega awesomeness

i'll write about the trip later when i have time and the sunburn fades, so look forward to me regaling tales of eric estrada the hotel owner, panic attacks while swimming offshore and my musings on the demise of the seafood pizza. in the interim:

thanks to good boyfriend me, RAT now owns a copy of Gears of War II and is currently debating if she should play this now or play wow instead. the latter wins tonight but its GOWII "all friday night".

if saturday is declared pron and steak day, marriage proposals are definitely on the cards

/fin